discombobulated

I’m a bit through other. My confidence has vanished, in the blink of an eye. My anxiety lept to fill the vacuum.

It’s really rather inconvenient, as I’ve things to be doing. I made lists. There are people to be contacted, to be persuaded. There are articles to write. Is that the problem? Have I bitten off more than my psyche can chew? Do I need to settle my expectations until the tablets kick in?

I want to be doing things. I don’t want to be sitting at home, weeping about nothing. (The weeping hasn’t started yet, but the desire to eat everything in sight is resurfacing. It may just be a matter of time.)

I’m easily bruised. I like to think of myself as a hardy soul, but I’ve gone all delicate little flower. A Victorian lady, swooning on a chaise longue, with a furrowed brow and scented handkerchief.

Yesterday I did ironing and walking and spending time with people and feeling normal-ish. When I got home, I panicked. This morning I was up and about and functioning, and then the anxiety kicked in again. Dammit world, what’s going on here? This is really not helpful. It better not last.

There’s only one thing for it: go and sit outside for the 3 mins that the sun is out, and try looking for that self possession again later.

too much?

slap head

“oh oh fat boy”

“oh oh slap head”

“oh oh four eyes”

He made me do it, really. With actions. Luckily, the singing and actions were not recorded (although some dancing was…). The non walking walking tour Experience Belfast involves a singalong to highlight the local, um, sense of humour.

I’ll always be from the west, but I’ve lived in Belfast most of my life. It was interesting to see one of the ways in which it gets presented to tourists. There are any amount of tours these days; buses, black taxis, walks. Like sensible folk, we did the tour which required sitting down in a pub for a few hours. Comfy seat, wine, good company; no fools us.

Tour guide Arthur is keen to present his talking tour as an antidote to ‘troubles tours’ or  NI as a ‘great wee place’. He promotes the radical, the liberal and the Undertones.

We learned about Thomas McCabe, who was instrumental in ensuring that Belfast played no part of the slave trade. Commenting on plans to set up a slave company, McCabe displayed a way with words “May God eternally damn the soul of the man who subscribes the first guinea”.

We were reminded of the importance of Rosemary Street Presbyterian Church- beautiful, historically significant, and soon to be the destination of an actual walk. Blackwatertown has details of another event there, related to slavery of the 21st century. Unfortunately, Belfast has not escaped that.

Living here, we are likely to not notice signs of recent history all around us. When the security barriers were removed, I hadn’t noted the holes in the walls they left behind. We now have fantastic open space down by the river in the city centre; it hadn’t dawned on me how poorly used that is. We’re still set in our ways, it seems.

Arthur Magee, Grannymar and Blackwatertown

Good to get a fresh perspective every now and then.

thanks, @WhisperingBob

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Last night, Spurs Fan thought I’d put my iPod on Shuffle just to irritate him. Possibly a missed opportunity, but, no. When the radio is this top notch, I don’t need to do anything.

Except sing along.

How could my singing be irritating?