time to panic

Yesterday was one of those days. I had things to do, places to be, and I was anxious as all get out.

These were not fancy, exciting things. I get more stressed by personal admin than I do by Grand Events.

My list?

• wash hair
• walk Jake
• go to bank
• return library book
• meet friend
• walk Girl2 to ballet
• buy printer ink

Ah, I can tell you’re all quaking in your boots. A list designed to defeat…

It was a day I yearned for the energy and clear head I once had. When I worked full time and didn’t consider washing my hair a task. When banks and library books and ink were done around the margins, without planning, without medication.

as if I’d wear heels like that to work!

I did everything (hurrah!), but collapsed into bed at 8pm, sore, overstimulated and unfit to move. I was actually delighted to get everything done- especially as my friend and colleague has a brain that works at a million miles a second. My plodding pace and repeated ‘what do you mean?’s meant that our quick coffee lasted for over 2 hours, and I ended up with a long list of things to read and consider and progress. That’s about 3 or 4 weeks good work for me, and she has it all done by this morning.

Most of the time I don’t think about what was, I get on with managing what is. But sometimes, oh, sometimes, I’d like to able to do more than one thing per day without needing more of the anti mad tablets.

ah, now… yes, now!

Some of you may have received an email telling you of my last post ‘surprise’. You will not be surprised to discover that was an accidental posting. It was indeed a surprise to me.

However, the fact that I’m not thinking clearly, am surrounded by bundles and lists, and that I decided to do some late night nail painting should have been clear indication that something, anything, was about to go wrong. With any luck a silly, temporary post will be the height of it.

Going back to my original intent, anyone would think this conference was a surprise. That’s right, you know the one I’ve been rambling on about for months? You’ve maybe read my draft press release. The regular reader knows nearly as much about this event as I do. So now I am faffing about, doing all the things, but nothing useful.

The lists include one for packing- I’ve been known to forget the key items of anti-mad tablets and undergarments. I really do now write a list that says things like: phone charger, cleanser, cardigan, pants, make up, drugs, red shoes. And if I haven’t written down those particular things, a chorus of voices around the house will remind me.

There is a birthday cake and some sparkly liquid for the small NIRDP birthday celebration.

There is a talky bit typed up in big font, and a sensible frock. There are t shirts for distribution.

The event starts at silly o’clock on Thursday morning, so we’re travelling today. It should be relaxed and friendly with time for window shopping. It will be, when I actually get on the train. Until then, it’s just a mid level unease- what about, don’t forget, did I turn the straighteners off?

Yet, still, as I’m rushing out the door, I’m bound to be remembering all the things I intended to do, but forgot to write down.

Can I open the sparkly stuff yet?

rituals

I’m not a frequent church goer, but what has stayed with me is the comfort of ritual.

Today I lit a candle for my dying uncle, and those I love who went before him.

I lit a candle for a stressed out Spurs Fan.

I lit a candle for all of those let down by church and state.

Somwhere, there is light

who is winning?

Lives are threatened.

Homes and businesses are threatened.

There is rioting, and water cannon in action.

Main roads are blocked at the busiest time of the day.

Families are anxious; will they all be able to get home?

It’s apparently a good news story when 500 or 2,000 people gather to protest and block roads, but do so without violence breaking out. No matter how intimidating they are. No matter what chaos is caused by their behaviour.

Politicians say “There is no excuse for violence, but…”

“But”???

We’re seeing masked men on the streets. Banners announcing ”democracy doesn’t work.”

Shops and restaurants are losing money, at what should be the busiest time of year. The time of year that could save some of those businesses, those jobs.

This is not simply about a council decision regarding a flag- many of the protests are happening outside that council area. This is how some people react to what they see as a loss of power and status. Their view of the natural order has been threatened and an unholy tantrum is the chosen response.

The bit that I’m missing is this: who is benefitting from this situation? A week ago I thought I knew, now I’m as baffled as the rest of the world.

The economy is losing.

The reputation of the region as a place to visit or do business is vanishing.

Children born long after ‘the troubles’ are being introduced to political violence in their city.

Any jobs going where you live?

.

pictures from Belfast Telegraph