emotion leaks out

It had to happen. Of course it did. I was half expecting it some time.

I’ve been busy with the rare disease stuff. The week ahead will be more busy, and more public.

I’ve had to write about Herself, using the phrase ‘late of Omagh’. I’ve hunted out pictures for the local press. (Why don’t I have more pics? Why did I not decide to enjoy taking photographs until just before she died? I could have hundreds more pictures of her, happy and healthy. I could send those to the paper.) I won’t send the ones of her 2 weeks before she died. She was up, and made up, and singing. She was being amazing- giving us a gift. She was looking well, for somebody who was seriously ill, but she looks like someone who’s seriously ill.

I went to bed in the early evening, warm and cosy with a hot water bottle. The girls had the most fun bath ever. I lay there, smiling and contented as they laughed and chatted and made mischief.

Then. The chill. Nausea. Tears. Crumpling. Loss.

I can’t share that with her. I couldn’t just lift the phone and say “Listen to this, Ma. Your grandchildren giggling and causing chaos. Isn’t it a wonderful sound? … ”

I can’t hold her and gain the strength to face the challenge of presenting to politicians and ‘suits’.

She won’t be here for the confirmation; she’d hoped to see the girls grow up.

I can’t gossip with her, or laugh with her until we’re both  crying.

It’s just me crying now. Dammit.


9 thoughts on “emotion leaks out

    1. I’ve never managed to be a bottler upper, Pseu 🙂 I’m more the red and blotchy type. Another gift from Herself! I was just surprised that this one came on me when I was relaxed, not when I was busy and my head was full of her.
      I suppose that’s some sort of defence mechanism…which may in fact be bottling up after all! Goodness, it’s too early in the morning for me to be thinking; I may have to come back to this one 😀

      1. you will be caught unawares and that is normal. Things you used to share will spark off deep emotion for years to come. I can’t plant tomato seeds without a deep reverie about a certain friend.

  1. Room for everything, you’ll laugh too. Tip for the politicians’ time – picture yourself a TV, imagine you and them are on it, just perform, if you feel the cry (or laugh) start, …turn the TV down… even off for a second, imagine walking off to make tea, whatever distances you from it. Practice this nonsense when you are safe in bed or on the sofa, sounds utterly daft but works, you may have the glimmer of a tear in your eye as you talk but won’t be a collapse in public. Wednesday is real, not imaginary, but it seems brains can learn in advance ‘how to switch down a bit’. (I am guessing that collapsing is a fear, and if all this is just intrusive wipe it, only another blog comment).
    Good wishes are with you on Rare Day. Elspeth

    1. All relaxing/ switching off comments always welcome!
      My input on Wed is mercifully brief and not too personal. The problem is that it’s around short films of other people’s current situations. I think I may need to watch the films many times so I’m not bawling on the stage… I’m going to be working on your tips, thanks Elspeth

  2. A moving tribute. Sometimes, when I’m really quiet and still, I am at my most emotional. I never like to cry, though, and it sounds like we share that trait. I am sorry about the loss of Herself. You express your sadness with bereft longing, sincerely.

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