I’m a bit through other. My confidence has vanished, in the blink of an eye. My anxiety lept to fill the vacuum.

It’s really rather inconvenient, as I’ve things to be doing. I made lists. There are people to be contacted, to be persuaded. There are articles to write. Is that the problem? Have I bitten off more than my psyche can chew? Do I need to settle my expectations until the tablets kick in?

I want to be doing things. I don’t want to be sitting at home, weeping about nothing. (The weeping hasn’t started yet, but the desire to eat everything in sight is resurfacing. It may just be a matter of time.)

I’m easily bruised. I like to think of myself as a hardy soul, but I’ve gone all delicate little flower. A Victorian lady, swooning on a chaise longue, with a furrowed brow and scented handkerchief.

Yesterday I did ironing and walking and spending time with people and feeling normal-ish. When I got home, I panicked. This morning I was up and about and functioning, and then the anxiety kicked in again. Dammit world, what’s going on here? This is really not helpful. It better not last.

There’s only one thing for it: go and sit outside for the 3 mins that the sun is out, and try looking for that self possession again later.


31 thoughts on “discombobulated

  1. if you don’t know why, no-one does… but maybe its a message … do you need a bit of time letting the world pass close, but not getting under you skin too much? What date is it?? Who matters today so much, maybe not around now?
    Read a bit of tinman – if anyone can make you laugh again its got to be that one, xxx

    1. Elspeth, you could be on to something. Not so much about the date, but yesterday I read 2 blog posts and a newspaper article about grief and loss. I’ve been thinking about where I’m at with all that, and have a post brewing in my head about it…
      The lists of tasks will get done eventually; I think I’ll plan a walk with a camera for tomorrow. Look after myself a bit. Doesn’t that sound better than wallowing, or eating us out of house and home?

      1. Re the reading about grief and loss bit. I had a very down week a little while ago. I realised it was because I was reading and dealing with loads of stories of people and couples let down by the Child Support Agency, who had little chance of having things resolved fairly. God help people who continually field this sort of thing, or deal with suffering in one form or another.
        The sitting outside in the sun sounds good. I’m keen on the lying on the grass approach and watching clouds. Cider can be good too. Though I may be reverting to younger days of bread, cheese and cider while watching stock car racing in north Dublin.

    2. I agree with Elspeth, read me several times, I need the statistics… oh, and don’t forget to hit the “like” button.

      I hope you felt better as the day went on. All of us who come here know how much you’ve been through and how wonderfully you’ve dealt with it.

      You’re terrific, and should keep telling yourself that, and you deserve some days when you just have time for yourself.

      Tin x

  2. Don’t assume the same pattern will inevitably re-occur. You are in a different place, and may react differently. Give yourself a little space and see if that helps. Delegation may be the name of the game for a few days. 🙂

  3. Ugh. I’m having the same kind of day. I have this story that wants to turn into something, but I’m afraid about it in so many different ways. Struggling with my confidence, I guess, and generally out of sorts. I hope you get some sunshine, today 🙂

    1. Where does it go, I wonder, the confidence? Is there a finite amount in the world, and we all just have to take our turn, or is there a big vat of it somewhere, waiting for us to find it?

  4. I’m glad you made the most of the sun. We haven’t had enough of it so far this year.

    No-one else has mentioned it, but it might be a good idea to get some weeping done. Sometimes it just needs doing and you feel better afterwards. Have a look at some old photo albums and remember and appreciate and love. I always find it helps and I end up remembering and laughing at the terrible hair and dodgy clothes of the past. Take care and I echo Nick’s wishes, hoping you’re recombobulated soon. 🙂

    1. I’m all for a good weep 🙂 If I don’t regain some equilibrium soon, I’ll break out Toy Story 3 (I couldn’t leave the cinema for ages until my face calmed down a bit; it broke my heart)

      1. Yeah me too. I’m not a crier but I cried THREE times in that film. Crazy. “It’s a flipping cartoon!” I kept telling myself.

  5. I love the word discombobulated. If a word summed up what it meant, discombobulated is it!
    Hope you’re feeling more at one with yourself now… and so what if it rains? You may see a rainbow – that’s what I look for when it rains!

  6. Aw, Fiona, if only I were the other side of the water we could eat huge pointless amounts together. It would probably still be depressing but strangely cool. We could have wine.

    Grief comes when it comes. Turning it away is not always an option, is it? Do hope it lifts for you soon. You strike me as someone who, despite all the odds, runs towards life. Thinking of you.

  7. I love your choice of word–discombobulated! It’s a great word for what you are describing. My comment may be entirely too simplistic, but I will share a personal observation. I go at break-neck pace most of the time and every once in a while I just slow a bit and then I plummet! And when that happens I also get down emotionally. I have learned to just be sad for a while. Sometimes I don’t even know why, but I’ve decided there are plenty of reasons to feel down, and that most of the time I am not too discombobulated! So I tell myself that it’s okay, don’t fight it and I use the time just to get caught up with myself. Usually I rebound just from the rest that comes with not fighting against the feelings. I always say its important to remember we aren’t machines! Hugs, Debra

  8. Sitting in the sun sounds good.
    Especially if you take care to sit miles away from your credit card and retail outlets.

    Take care

  9. Don’t know how I missed this post until now but hugs to you missus.

    I love that you chose discombobulated as the title of this post, from my own experience it really is an apt way of describing what’s happening.

    Spend time in the sun, take things one day at a time and you’ll get there in the end (where ever *there* turns out to be).

    Take care x

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