as if I’ve never been away- Thursday

The 8am train to Dublin. A large coffee and a cinnamon Danish.

I used to do this journey regularly. A day working elsewhere; meeting other staff, feeling the buzz of a larger city, the confusion of a different currency.

I’d have the meetings, walk back through St Stephen’s Green and down Grafton St. Maybe not the most direct route to the train station, but the route I enjoyed. I was confident, relaxed. I knew what I was doing.

Now… a world defined by chronic illness. Responding to different challenges. Limited energy levels. A whole new role. My confidence is developing, but I’m heading into a situation where I expect to know nobody. It’s as well I’m too tired to worry about it. If I had the energy I’d be anxious.

Not that long ago I wouldn’t even have tried this. I’d have hidden in bed, cowed by doubt and defeated by the tired. Now I know the volunteering can be mentally energising; I value that so much (somebody actually thinks my input is worth hearing!) that I’ll put up with some of the exhaustion without complaint.

It has been a long week. A very busy week, with travelling and thinking and fun. A collapse is imminent.

Oh well. Today, right now on the train, I’m remembering.

And feeling like myself.

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19 thoughts on “as if I’ve never been away- Thursday”

  1. Glad you’re feeling like yourself, Fiona. Judging by the posts in this blog yourself is a fairly cool person to be. All the best for that last stretch; enjoy the rest when it comes 🙂

  2. You are a trooper just carrying on! I hope all the effort brings you much satisfaction, as well as some time at home now to quiet it all down! Rest is good for all of us on the weekends! 🙂 Debra

    1. I’m glad to be fit to make the effort when I can; there have been too many times when I’ve been devastated by not being able to participate!

  3. You show real stuff again, how acceptance releases some of that energy (wishing blocks it?). I wish it was easier, you are an inspiration to us all, you just try even when you know you will be done in later. Hope the downside does not last too long.

  4. I think that’s pretty good going. If I’d spent a day travelling to Dublin, wandering around the city and travelling back, I’d be pretty tired as well. Good that you’ve found a new role that gets you out and makes you feel valued.

  5. The sweetness of even small achievements should never be underemphasised and it is very sweet indeed when you recover a little of ‘yourself’ from the claws of this wretched beast. 🙂

    1. Exactly, IE! I know that’s not my ‘normality’ any more, so I appreciated it all the more 🙂 ‘look at me! on the train!with a Danish!’ I did try to that quietly, though…

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