Sometimes the brain fog clears a little and I have a sensible idea. We’ve learned to celebrate these moments, to act on them promptly, or at least write down the idea for future attention. We know there’s no guarantee that thought will come back in a coherent form, so we run with while we can.
My fellow volunteers have become used to odd “I’m just thinking about this…” emails at strange times, and they bear with me in meetings as I think out loud, slowly working through the stages.
My mind is neither as quick or as sharp as it used to be, but I take comfort that it does have these bursts. I’m rarely as frustrated by the cognitive disfunction as I was in the beginning.
However, there are times I am horrified at the mush that is my subconcious. I’m bored with dreaming about work, 6 years after I went on sick leave.
I dreamt I met broadcaster Lauren Laverne and was totally starstruck (highly likely). Sadly, I was also so busy trying to tweet about meeting her that I couldn’t actually talk to her. I wasted a chance, even in my dream. Have I no oomph in me at all?
The dream where a friend was going out with a footballer, caused me to wake up Spurs Fan, I was laughing so much. There were tears of laughter at 5am. Of course, when he asked what it was all about the following lunchtime, I had no idea at first.
A few weeks ago I dreamt about the old man. I woke up pleased- he doesn’t often get a dream all to himself- before the rest of it dawned on me. Part of the dream involved me cleaning the cooker after milk had boiled over.
People, you would not believe the 5.30 am rage that was induced. Crying about spilled milk? That’s how my mind works? Really? My deepest, darkest unconcious works on the level of tired cliché? Years of ME have finally killed my mind, huff, puff, blow the house down. It’s a wonder I didn’t wake the house as I turned over and over for an hour, trying to deal with the horror of having no edge to my mind at all.
The cold grey light of dawn came and stayed. I slept and slept. My mind hasn’t dared to hold on to the dreams since.
I may not have the energy to knock my mind into shape, but I seem to have scared the subconcious into silence.