I haven’t wanted to scream at the world since I went back on the anti mad tablets, but the combination of the ME and depression means that sometimes I am totally overwhelmed with fatigue. I may find it physically difficult to move in the bed, and anyway, I’ve no interest in trying. I can lose hours just doing nothing, and not even be bothered at my lack of achievement. Without the rest of the household (human and canine) making me interact, I’d be quite happy at times in my wee cocoon of bed, sofa and fire.
My brain doesn’t function properly. Right now I’m not having the leaden, unpleasant, brain fog. Instead I’ve got flighty butterflies in there. Thoughts flit about, landing briefly for me to recognise ‘Oh, I must…’ before fluttering off, leaving me with no idea of what it is I should be doing. It’s easier than brain fog, but no more productive. I’m not even bothered by that. Future blog posts are among the butterflies; half thoughts that will be written down sometime. Probably.
I’m feeling grand, if a little vague and detached. I’m in a much better place than I have been.
The anti mad tablets have made such a difference to my world- yet I resisted them for years. I thought that accepting medication would mean that I had failed somehow; that I couldn’t just shake myself out of it, even with two courses of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I was nearly afraid to leave the house or speak to people, yet I didn’t believe I should accept help. I didn’t even have to ask for it, my GP had to persuade me to take the tablets. I knew he couldn’t give me medication for the ME, so why should I take something for the associated depression. Surely, the depression is less real than the ME? That’ll have been the distorted thinking then…
So, depression happens to the best of us. It’s an illness, not a failing. It’s no more a failure than a burst appendix is. It needs treated. There is help available. Look after yourself, and others.
There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in…
(Clichés happen to the best of us too, but I love Laughing Len)