don’t think about the darkness

Thinking about things makes them real.

Thinking about things gives them power.

Thinking about things means they don’t go away.



The darkness is there. It’s just out of the corner of my eye. It’s not in focus, it’s not dominant, but I know it’s there, convincing me that contentment is fleeting.

Creeping closer.

Lapping at my feet.

Grasping at my ankles.

Shadowing me.

I’m fed up with people. I want to be on my own, with no expectations, no need to be civil. I want to stay in bed and sleep for weeks on end.

I want to light the fire and stay beside it until the spring.

I know that these strategies would be profoundly counterproductive. Wallowing is not helpful, but sometimes it’s the only thing.

sunshine, sea, air

I will continue to read and spend time by the sea. I will walk more.

I will talk about it.

Talking puts things in perspective.

Talking means I have to deal with it.




10 thoughts on “don’t think about the darkness

  1. uh oh – yes – show and tell brings acceptance and … then sometimes something manages to shift, as you are still there and alive even if it seems like less so than you tell yourself to be.
    Take care of yourself, forget the ‘have-to’ and the ‘should’. thinking of you and thanks for the writing, the reminder that all is not IKEA world happy.

    1. I still do struggle with the ‘should’… I want to do so much and get so frustrated- but I know that’s better than not being interested, not caring etc. I’m not so bad really

  2. Curl up when you need to. Only last week Octavia and I were talking about how we sometimes need to wallow; to let sleep or tears, or both do their job. Not fun, but hopefully restorative. Be kind to yourself.

  3. DOT




    We all have our own rhythm by which we live by, it is as individual as our face. And as we age , it seems to fit better on us. If that makes any sense. What a write this wazzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    merci beaucoup

  4. Even when you are depressed you teach, Fiona. You are so authentic in your struggles that we all learn more about the Rare Disease community. And out of that awareness comes heater compassion for others and a desire to contribute to support and research organizations. The point is that you have value and give value even when you feel like everyone is passing you by. Wallowing does have its place. But while indulging please know how I admire you…as do many others. You do quite a lot, my friend.

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