The landline rang today at 7am. It was a random wrong number, but it didn’t matter. I was in the other place before my eyes opened. The place of panic, hospitals and late night drives west. My stomach was sinking into the mattress and my heart was racing while Spurs Fan answered, “Hello?”
I got out of bed and hugged my bleary eyed people. My heart steadied. It has been years, yet it may never go away. Lingering in depths, part of me.
Later, I watched The C Word, a TV drama based on the life of our late bloggy buddy, Lisa Lynch. I’d read her blog from the start, I’d bought the book, I’d mourned her loss. I’d thought I’d not be surprised by the film. My eyes dripped all the way through. Life after a terminal diagnosis: loss, family, truth, Sudocrem, humour.
Lisa called her cancer ‘The Bullshit’. Everyone with poor health may relate to that. We’re not the boss of it. Being ill isn’t ‘dramatic’ or ‘glamorous’ or ‘tragic’ or ‘inspiring’. It’s dull and boring and soul sapping. It’s playing at ‘fine’ when all I want to do is hide from the world. It’s wondering if I could go to a conference in Brussels before remembering I can’t go to a concert in Belfast. It’s anxiety about managing to get people to dancing competitions and home again safely. It’s scheduling days in bed to prepare for/ recover from just about anything. It’s being overwhelmed by just about everything. It’s putting on weight because Weight Watchers requires too much thinking and exercise is beyond comprehension. It’s not keeping up with your blogs. It’s all the many ways I fail at life. It’s wanting to make an impact, to have a purpose, when I can hardly get out of bed.
‘I should’, ‘I’d like to’, ‘why don’t we?’- these become ‘I don’t want to’, ‘whose great idea was this?’, ‘I don’t even know what’s going on’.
And it goes on and on and on. For years. Relentless. Making me spend hours on Pinterest…
‘Ah, I’m grand.’
Today’s blog post was brought to you by wallowing, by thinking about Lisa, and the always wise words of David Gilbert. Thank you for your patience.