you know how this ends

I blame the machines.

The wristband wanted to record my weight and height. I guessed. All the weight lost some years ago has been refound (thanks to volunteering for taking my mental ‘point counting’ energy, and to Lidl’s baked goods and tasty, cheap, wine for taking my willpower). I added in the weight I was when I started Weight Watchers, sure I’d be there or thereabouts. Peak Speccy.

The wristband is mainly to keep tabs on my heart rate, but it counts steps, and I have a daily target. We all know that simply having a random target is a motivator. On a dry day, a wee walk may be considered before collapsing on the sofa with a box set. On a wet day, all bets are off. I’m not daft.

On Sunday, we took a wander to the local museum. We looked at old photographs, and an older Rembrandt.


We wandered down an elderly, panelled, corridor, and gawped at the artwork from local schools- top scoring in exams artwork. Hard work, inspiration and talent. Go, young people.

It wasn’t a long visit, but it was challenging and thought provoking. I was buoyed and full of energy. Until I followed up on a plan. We’d be passing the sports centre on the way home, so why not call and pay a machine to tell me my height and weight?

Whoever thought that would be a good idea?

Peak Speccy has been surpassed.

There were no hoardes of people, but I was humiliated and horrified. I’d let my weight get away from me again. Equally, I felt ridiculous that I cared so much. I’ve been spending my limited energy doing things rather than recording every mouthful- surely that’s a good thing? But still. I’m too big. My default position is cuddly.

Instead of skipping home, inspired by history and art, I felt every step, and went straight to bed, my place of safety. I needed to lick my wounds, to recalibrate and recover.


I’m off for a walk.


5 thoughts on “you know how this ends

  1. Seems like every time I hatch a sensible plan to eat healthy and get more exercise, homework, illness or some other other unexpected disaster steals the precious time and energy these two very important tasks require.

    I am told that “healthy” people like me should exercise when we are tired and it will give us a boost of energy. Personally, when I ache everywhere and can barely keep my eyes open, the last thing I can force upon myself is a work out. And when your life is a serious of one professor imposing on your free time after another, and your one and only pleasure is food whether a wee dish of ice cream, an extra can of soda or meal you didn’t have to cook yourself, well, it is really hard to deny that one ray of sunshine in a bleak series of days.

    *Sigh* Maybe someday I will actually have both time and motivation at the same time.

    1. We have to prioritise, and when we’re busy with life it’s just hard. Now, if I were one of those folk who actually enjoyed exercise, life may be easier…
      You just keeping on doing what you do!

  2. I know exactly how you feel but I think you’re lovely. Try reading Health at Any Size by the appropriately named Linda Bacon – an excellent book with a different perspective on things. Xx

    1. I will hunt that out, thank you Emma. I don’t mind not being skinny, but I’d like to a) not get bigger & b) finally be comfortable with the size and shape I actually am ( I suppose that means even I am bigger too, doesn’t it?)

  3. The balancing act is so often more than we can handle. The point you made yourself–you were out doing things; you were enjoying life–is more important that an whether you regained weight. The weight can come off again when you have the time or willingness to prioritize it. I do know something about this–even the “former success” with Weight Watchers. We do the best we can, and we definitely need to be kind to ourselves. I do love your honesty!

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