Now, there’s a dangerous question, & one that’s been in my head a lot recently.
I want to be useful, doing things, making a difference. I need to rest, recover, not get involved. Sometimes I balance competing demands. Sometimes I run out of steam & interest. Sometimes I want it all to stop.
I’ve spent years trying to be heard and in the process have become a usual suspect. I’m on a list somewhere, invited along to things, my opinion apparently sought. Of course I’m flattered, but sceptical. I can’t keep track of all the agendas in the room. I’m not being paid to be there- is it a good use of my limited energy, or a fig leaf for someone who has a boss?
I can read books and walk on beaches and ignore the world. That feels good for a while. Then I have to get back to doing the things I’ve had to fight to be able to do.
And I wonder if that’s the right thing for me.
Thanks to David Gilbert for the post that prompted ‘why bother’ https://futurepatientblog.com/2017/05/14/lets-talk-about-death-breaking-the-taboos-that-surround-suicide/