why leaving the house is bad for me

It’s the other people, the ones I don’t get to choose… they drive me mad.

Yesterday it was the person who sat beside me, chewing her nails, for an hour.

Today a person on the bus ate crisps and then licked her fingers. Luckily she was across the narrow aisle and not right in my ear.


Both of them had me nearly sitting on my hands to stop me from stopping them going about their chewing, slurpy business.

I was at a meeting in town, with loads of folk I don’t know. There was a person who was really very dim. I could see other eyes roll. People rushed to interrupt them & steer them back on track. At the end of the meeting I realised that this individual seems to be responsible for making the project happen. I’m no expert, and not getting paid for my input, but I understood the issues better than they did.


You have all my admiration, those of you who leave the house and deal with people all day. I’m out of the way of it, and have no patience.

I’m set in my ways, and grumpy.

I am a joy to be with.

people and problem solving

Jake and I are home alone most of the time, resting, making cunning plans, and doing what doggies do. Crowds and chaos overwhelm us and we retreat.

But, beneath it all, one of us is quite sociable. I have loved the celebrating. Making a point of gathering friends and family together (not in my house- neither of us could cope with that) spending time just being, chatting about music and nothing, enjoying a little silliness.

There have been events on all the volunteering areas of interest- PSP support groups, a human rights report launch, an ME event, rare disease scheming and a neurology patient/ carer group. Spurs Fan has lost track. I do try to balance things out, largely by resting for days, but when I do too much my brain turns to mega mush, and I’m no use to anyone.

I think I’m coming back to the world, but I’ll be spending large amounts of today and tomorrow at an Irish dancing festival (of course I am, pesky wonderful enthusiastic cheerful kids) so this may just be a blip. This is the competition run by our dancing school, so I’ll not get away with simply being  encouraging and clapping at the right time. I’ll have a job, involving money or hot water.

In other news, I’ve spent ages trying to find the pics to add to this post. They are on my phone, but have failed to make the journey to any of the folders on the laptop, or to the mysterious cloud. I may need to email them and then download, but that seems remarkably convoluted. This hasn’t been a problem before. I wonder did I do something?

It’s good to be heading out with a clear head, ready to be useful and problem solve. If you’re coming along, check your change. You may pour your own hot drinks.

in which I am spoiled

There may be no way back. All those ‘perfectly good’, ‘quite nice’, ‘exactly what you need’ places are dead to me now. I’ve had a taste of the high life, and I’d like to become accustomed to it.

While it snowed outside we sat by roaring fires. When the sun came out we wondered at the beauty of the lough, yards from where we sat. The staff were knowledgeable and friendly and had nothing else they needed to be doing other than attending to our every whim.

The swimming pool smelled of aromatherapy, not chlorine. I never wanted to leave the spacious bedroom. I could talk at some length about the bathroom. I struggled to leave the bed, even more than I normally do. And it wasn’t just me- at breakfast all the conference crowd were agog at the pillows, the comfort and the scrambled eggs. Dear goodness, the bacon…

Ah yes, the reason for all this was our conference. The Lough Erne Resort Hotel had made us an offer we couldn’t refuse, and I’m so very glad. I had several reasons for staying over the night before, but I was too relaxed and cosy to remember that I was meant to be checking out the room and the AV and all the logistics.

The snow caused some chaos, but we got through. Local delegates got pounced on to read the message from the Health Minister or to fill in for a stranded speaker. There were many sofas for chatting and connecting and doing all the vital, informal stuff that makes events so valuable.

I have never been involved in a more relaxed event. I may still be mellow and chilled out.

Now I have to start saving up to go back.

what do I do?

This week, I’ve been recovering. Yesterday was one of those days where I got up in the late afternoon, had a long hot bath, put on fresh pjs, and took my hot water bottle to the sofa, before going to bed. Once upon a time, I’d have been upset by that. Now, it’s just one of those days. Not even a surprise, after some of the busyness.

I regularly post about the importance of support groups. Ditsy and I cause chaos across the six counties as we meet old friends and new friends in a space for PSP chat. Families, carers, people living with PSP, gathering to together to share and support. Hugs and tears are frequent but optional. It takes courage to come to a support group for the first time, to cross the threshold. To admit a need. To display vulnerability to strangers. The strength of a support group is that we all know. We have all been that bewildered. We have all been that anxious. We have learned the strength we can gather from each other. It’s not about the dismissive ‘tea and sympathy’; it’s about creating a welcoming, supportive, space.  A diagnosis of PSP is baffling. It’s a progressive, terminal, neurological condition that few have heard of. Finding someone else who’s familiar with it is like finding an oasis in a desert. A resource. A relief. At last. We are not alone in this.

 with Ditsy & MrD
with Ditsy & MrD

1 in 12 of the population is affected by a rare disease, and Northern Ireland Rare Disease Partnership work to influence strategy and policy in the UK and the particular implementation in NI. Last week, a crowd of us gathered to plot, plan and create. We have things to do- redesign our website, meet the NI Assembly Health Committee, participate in a Human Rights investigation, plan a big day out at the DisabilityPride event, keep on talking to commissioners, present at conferences, be creative about telling the stories. We are all volunteers. We’ve all had to learn something about rare disease. We have differing skills and experience; we work collaboratively. There’s always more to do. We do what we can. We’re doing more than I ever thought possible without significant funding or staff. Volunteering is amazing.

Also last week, I gave a talk to the Board of the local Public Health Agency. I talked a bit about PSP, a bit about the rare disease partnership, and quite a lot about the importance of working collaboratively with patients. Our Health and Social Care systems have a legal requirement to promote Personal and Public Involvement, but too often it’s seen as an add on or somebody else’s job. So I brought my thoughts and my shopping into a meeting of the big wigs. I didn’t show off my new shoes, but I got the impression they don’t get presented with Dr Seuss images all that often. That’s the value of a different perspective.


the lorax

Does it make a difference?

I think it does.  To an individual, to isolated communities, to people who recognise that their voice can have an impact, to senior managers to remember that they’re talking about people, not just numbers or conditions.

It makes a difference to me. I have a reason to get out of bed. I have people to talk to. I have support and opinions and I can make the big wigs listen to me. (Pause for a moment to feel for the big wigs.)

I have a chronic illness. I lose days to sleep and vagueness. But the little bit I can do reminds me of the mouthy busy bod I used to be, and that’s quite fun. I’m me, not ME.